Trying to put it all together

Unfortunately I'm still ill from this cold/flu. But each day gets a little better.

You know I find myself trying to figure myself out a little these days. I'm quite sure it's all because I'm jobless at the moment and slowly driving myself to some form of insanity by overthinking everything.

I know, I know... I have to learn Dutch before I'm going to get a new job and I'm working on that. I have my school appointment coming up at the end of this month. This is all my own problem and part of my life process, learning how to sit still and enjoy myself. This is my time and it's my time for a reason... but what am I doing with my time?

I dabble in a bit of this and I dabble in a bit of that. But why can't I be a more successful dabbler? You know I've never, ever, ever thought of myself as a perfectionist in any way shape or form. But a few years ago an ex co-worker of mine discussed this aspect of my personality with me. Am I? Yes in some ways, but I don't think I'm a very good perfectionist, because I'm always wanting to make that perfect part of me, even more perfect. Ahhh, I see you are confused... don't worry so am I?

This school appointment really cannot come quickly enough, because once I have my school dates set I can then set on doing something on some sort of regular basis. Being unemployed makes a person well... forget the deadlines, forget the boundaries. Sure I make myself be up between 7 and 8 am every morning, routine, routine, routine...

I go out with friends once a week or so, I study my Dutch before lunch everyday. I do some sort of physical exercise everyday. Make sure my housework is done, my dogs are tended to in every which way possible... but somehow, I wonder is this enough???

I feel my brain sinking away between the cracks. I need stimulation!!! I need conversation!!! I require coffee, people and intense conversations about anything from Marilyn Monroe to Blues Clues children's programming... It just has to have passion, it has to have emotion, feeling and depth.

The bottom line, I don't do well sitting alone at home... ill.