I miss you Mom

June... dreaded June. Pollen hangs thickly in the air, running nose, drippy eyes, stuffy head and itchy skin.

Remind me why people look forward to June? Yesterday my dear sweet Hollywood was put to sleep. She was my first cat. There has never ever been a cat like her in the world. I've had a fair share of cats since her, but Hollywood... she was simply something special.

Maria told me she went peacefully. Her and Cyril held her paw as she slipped into the next life. If I think about it, I can feel her little paws, see her beautiful green eyes. She has touched me like no other cat ever will. I can't stop crying I miss her so very, very much.

Today is my dead Mother's birthday. She died March 1st, 1989 after many years of diabetic related illnessess. When she died she had gangreen (hope I'm spelling that right, if not screw it... just don't care right now) running throughout her entire body. There was nothing left. I miss her so much, I never got the opportunity to spoil my Mother. Just to say hey Mom let's go shopping it's ALL on me! I want to sit in the sunshine and discuss guys, cooking, religion, music everything with my Mom. I can't... because she was taken from me, when I was 16. I'm going to listen to Creedance Clearwater Revival all day today for Mom and tonight my husband and I will go to McDonald's and I'll eat something there for her. I used to eat a Big Mac for her, but I can no longer stomach those, they make me feel really ill. It was her favourite!!! God I miss her... I miss her so very much.

June 12th is also a very difficult day for me. It's the anniversary of the day a bullet took my Father's life in 1981. He was born September 25th, 1949. My Father may not have been perfect, far from perfect... but he was my Father and he certainly didn't deserve a bullet through the brain to end his life. The official report, suicide... but everyone knows the other guy pulled the trigger and it was covered up. Why? Because this guy was a normal guy who made a mistake, and my Father... he was nothing but trouble. Why destroy a good guys life, when it can be chalked up to suicide and pushed under the rug.

It's hard for me to say I miss my Dad. I don't miss who he was back then, but I do miss the potential of who he could have become if he had gotten help. I miss that we never had an adult relationship. I never got to go fishing with my Dad (his favourite hobby) or help him work on an engine together or build something together. He had so much potential if it hadn't of been for his youth, the drugs, the alchohol, gambling and more.

It's funny I said to my cousin Greg the other day, how I still expect one day... some crystal meth addicted person will contact me and they will be my long lost half brother or sister from one of the zillion hookers my Dad slept with. It's highly doubtful and of the babies that would have come out of that situation would have became anything more than a drug addicted, crack addict or something.

If it hadn't of been for my Mother, my sweet niave Mother... who knows what I would have become. I ran so far from home as soon as opportunity allowed. I wasn't going to be part of that scene. I wanted an education. I wanted a normal life, with a roof over my head, a job, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence.

Okay maybe I didn't get the 2.5 kids... but I have 2 dogs and a cat, that comes close doesn't it? And I don't have a white picket fence, it's natural wood coloured. But at least I have a fence, a yard and a sturdy roof over my head in a house I own with my dear husband.

I guess it's just painful to remember, because there is nothing I can do to change it. The control freak in me, wants to make it all better, perfect... and I cannot. I want to spoil my Mother, I want to hug Hollywood and I want to ride a chopper with my Dad.

June can damn well hurry up and be over... so that I can return to my regular strange self instead of a crying soppy self... stuck in the past.